MirE geriausi draugai. Ne M ir E, bet mire(su ę arba ė).
Ir vis dėl to gyvenimas eina pirmyn. Ir TIK pirmyn Ir TIK tolyn. Šaltyn. Vakar aš įsitikinau, kad suaugę žmonės tampa mechaniški. Jie neturi ką pasakoti. Jie niekuo nepasitiki. Ir nežinia ar turi tikrų draugų. Jie myli tik savo šeimą, o tie kurie jos neturi-nemyli nieko-ypač savęs, už tai, kad yra vieniši. Jie retai juokauja. Jie nežaidžia, nesiliečia. Jie tvirtinai tai, kuo patys netiki. Jie nepasakoja apie savo jausmus. Jie jaučiasi suaugę ir rimti. Jie visuomet turi daug darbo ir nešvaisto laiko niekams. Jie nepasiduoda emocijoms, neverkia. Jie nebežino apie ką kalbėti su senais draugais. Jie nepasitiki žmonėmis. Ir ištisai kartoja, kad yra pernelyg subrendę tam ar anam. Jie yra sugadinti pinigų. Jie niekuomet nedirba iš idėjos. Jiems rūpi, ką pagalvos kiti.
Ačiū dievui, kai kurie taip ir neužauga. Aš irgi nenoriu užaugti.
Bet argi tai įmanoma, kai pats gyvenimas tave gadina.
Aš vis dar nemoku savęs valdyti. Nemoku susitvardyti. Nemoku apsimesti. Nemoku pamiršti. Nemoku nelyginti. Aš dar nemoku PAISYTI didelių žmonių MINUSŲ, kad galėčiau nustoti tikėti. Aš tikiu neįmanomais dalykais ir kiekvieną kartą gaunu per galvą su tuo pačiu pagaliu. Ir kaskart vis skauda. Ir kas kart ne mažiau.
"Nes man visų pirma reikia žmogaus,kuris būtų langas atvertas į jūrą, o ne veidrodis, kuriame aš nuobodžiauju".
Ir nežinau, ką su manimi reikėtų padaryti, kad būtų kitaip.
Man vis rodos baisūs dalykai. Ir paniškai bijau mirties. Ne savo, žinoma. Dėl savęs man nesvarbu. Bet dėl kitų. Kvaila praeitos žiemos nuotaika. Nesaugumo jausmas.
"Nes žmogus suaugusiu tampa tuomet, kai suvokia, kad suaugusieji neegzistuoja".
2011 m. sausio 23 d., sekmadienis
2011 m. sausio 10 d., pirmadienis
ancora
I'm not going to think about the way he smellt.
I'm not going to think about how we used to stand near the school while at the same time our hands, feet and faces were freezing.
I'm not going to think about how he liked pizza.
I'm not going to think about the times he brought me a flower.
I'm not going to think about the way he looked.
I'm not going to think about the way he hug me.
I'm not going to think about how he used to annoy me while singing various stupid songs.
I'm not going to think about how he didn't like the silence.
I'm not going to think about how he hate history.
I'm not going to think about how he enjoyed the rain while walking down the streets barefoot.
I'm not going to think about his tangled hair in the morning.
I'm not going to think about the times he realised that I was going to cry.
I'm not going to think about how it sometimes felt like we were only two people on Earth.
I'm not going to think about how he sometimes overslept our dates.
I'm not going to think about how he used to dance during parties.
I'm not going to think about the time he first time said he loved me.
I'm not going to think about how he adore ice-cream.
I'm not going to think about the way he always held my hand.
I'm not going to think about how we once made a deal, that he won't smoke anymore, but he did, anyway.
I'm not going to think about the times he said I'm beautiful.
I'm not going to think about our foolish arguments.
I'm not going to think about all the songs that we liked.
I'm not going to think about how he loved the spring.
I'm not going to think about the time I told him a lie about the helicopter in my flat's yard.
I'm not going to thing about the time I was sleeping on his knees, while he was looking at me all the time.
I'm not going to think about the times he used to wait me for ages cuz I had never had what to clothe.
I'm not going to think about the way he looked at me.
I'm not going to think about how he sometimes used to tweak my hips.
I'm not going to think about the windowsill where we used to kiss often.
I'm not going to think about the time I draw a picture on his left foot.
I'm not going to think about how he annoyed me while having long conversations on phone with my best friends at nights.
I'm not going to think about his big blue eyes.
I'm not going to think about how we used to walk around our town for hours.
I'm not going to think about how our goodbyes occured.
I'm not going to think about him.
I'm not going to think about how we used to stand near the school while at the same time our hands, feet and faces were freezing.
I'm not going to think about how he liked pizza.
I'm not going to think about the times he brought me a flower.
I'm not going to think about the way he looked.
I'm not going to think about the way he hug me.
I'm not going to think about how he used to annoy me while singing various stupid songs.
I'm not going to think about how he didn't like the silence.
I'm not going to think about how he hate history.
I'm not going to think about how he enjoyed the rain while walking down the streets barefoot.
I'm not going to think about his tangled hair in the morning.
I'm not going to think about the times he realised that I was going to cry.
I'm not going to think about how it sometimes felt like we were only two people on Earth.
I'm not going to think about how he sometimes overslept our dates.
I'm not going to think about how he used to dance during parties.
I'm not going to think about the time he first time said he loved me.
I'm not going to think about how he adore ice-cream.
I'm not going to think about the way he always held my hand.
I'm not going to think about how we once made a deal, that he won't smoke anymore, but he did, anyway.
I'm not going to think about the times he said I'm beautiful.
I'm not going to think about our foolish arguments.
I'm not going to think about all the songs that we liked.
I'm not going to think about how he loved the spring.
I'm not going to think about the time I told him a lie about the helicopter in my flat's yard.
I'm not going to thing about the time I was sleeping on his knees, while he was looking at me all the time.
I'm not going to think about the times he used to wait me for ages cuz I had never had what to clothe.
I'm not going to think about the way he looked at me.
I'm not going to think about how he sometimes used to tweak my hips.
I'm not going to think about the windowsill where we used to kiss often.
I'm not going to think about the time I draw a picture on his left foot.
I'm not going to think about how he annoyed me while having long conversations on phone with my best friends at nights.
I'm not going to think about his big blue eyes.
I'm not going to think about how we used to walk around our town for hours.
I'm not going to think about how our goodbyes occured.
I'm not going to think about him.
2011 m. sausio 5 d., trečiadienis
Pūga
Šiandien tokia diena, kai jauti, kad viskas, ką Tu darai yra šūdas, arba viskas, ką Tu sakai yra šūdas. Arba ir tai ir tai yra kažkokia vientisa nepaaiškinama, nesuderinama nesąmonė, tik aš dar to nežinau. Arba aš to dar nesuprantu.
Šiandien tokia diena, kai liūdna. Diena, kai gimsta daug idėjų. Diena, kai norisi verkti. Diena, kai norisi kažką kurti. Kažką veikti, kažką padaryti. Pagaliau. Vėl.
Šiandien aš vėl nebežinau nieko.
Šiandien Pirmą kartą jaučiu, kad prarandu (praradau) pasitikėjimą. Savimi.
Ir Tavimi.
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Ech...
Šiandien tokia diena, kai liūdna. Diena, kai gimsta daug idėjų. Diena, kai norisi verkti. Diena, kai norisi kažką kurti. Kažką veikti, kažką padaryti. Pagaliau. Vėl.
Šiandien aš vėl nebežinau nieko.
Šiandien Pirmą kartą jaučiu, kad prarandu (praradau) pasitikėjimą. Savimi.
Ir Tavimi.
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Ech...
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